Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The Sex Advice of Moses

This is how I imagine the conversation between Moses and his scribe went on certain topics:

Scribe: So uh, when you say, "Don't lie with a man like you lie with a woman" do you mean that men should have sex with men *differently* than they have sex with women or not at all?

Moses:  What?

Scribe:  Well it's just in this section where it seems like if mixing fabrics is a bad thing, well then perhaps keeping your sexual positions distinct between sexes might be in order as well?

Moses:  It's just a euphemism for not doing it with men at all.  Why do you ask?

Scribe:  Well when many of the men in the camp heard about this they were afraid they couldn't have sex with their wives like they were having sex with their boyfriends.

Moses:  Come again?

Scribe: In the butt.

Moses:  Wait...they do that?  To women?

Scribe:  Oh yes.  Actually man on woman butt sex happens a lot more than man on man butt sex.  There's just more man/woman couples.  I took a class on statistics in Egypt.  Mind boggling, I know.

Moses:  Well I don't believe it.  They poop from there.  So that doesn't happen.

Scribe:  Right, right.  Okay...and um, what about women?  Are women allowed to lie with other women like they lie with men?  You don't seem to address the topic at all.

Moses:  Well yeah.  Why bother?  How could they possibly even do that?

Scribe:  Well, uh, you know how your wife Miriam and her best friend um...have fun in their own tent late at night?

Moses:  You mean when they give each other vigorous back rubs?  They are rather loud.

Scribe:  No...I think they're rubbing each other's clitorises.

Moses:  What's a clitoris?

Scribe:  Right.'s that special place in front of their...

Moses:  I have no idea what you are talking about.

Scribe:  ...

Moses:  Look, if anyone is questioning my rules, tell them I know in my heart that they are perfect laws ultimately given by Yahweh himself.

Scribe:  I'm pretty sure the heart is a blood pump, right?

Moses:  Yeah, where I know things.  It makes beating sounds so I know that's where my thoughts happen.

Scribe:  Right, I haven't figured out how I feel about the whole "makes cool sounds" argument yet.  I'll get back to you on that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.